Emotional Labor: What It Is and How To Do It
via Celine Loup
I wish I could scream this from the rooftops. I’ve always had strict standards for how I will tolerate being treated (by people of ANY gender, but particularly men bc they tend to think they can get away with more) because of enduring childhood abuse and learning my own self worth as I healed. One guy friend called me a cunt once in an attempt to control and belittle me when I was 16, and I told him that that wasn’t acceptable and we never spoke again. I don’t laugh at men who make misogynistic jokes just to make them feel comfortable. This semester I had a group project where my male teammates pressured me to hold their hand and baby them throughout the assignment, and I let them hang until they came to me as classmates and not children.
All of this is HARD and often scary, and I’ve been labeled as a “castrating bitch” (by men) more than once, but it means that I’m currently in a relationship with a man who respects me and values me as an equal, and who doesn’t pull any of that “dude stuff” that so many women think is an unavoidable part of being in a relationship with a man. (The same goes for my male friends.)
Nobody’s perfect, but having these kinds of standards is not asking for perfection. Connor can be messy and leave loose change everywhere and he’s not the best at being on time. On my part, I can be anxious and anal and I often get distracted mid-conversation and have to ask him to repeat things. These are human flaws, things that can be upsetting or frustrating but that we talk about and work on and do our best with.
Constantly and consistently being expected to clean up after your male partner is not normal. Having your male partner sulk in public when things don’t go his way is not normal. If your male partner treats you like shit and then expects you to play therapist with him instead of being angry about how he treated you or asking him to change his behavior, that is not normal.
Sometimes it’s difficult to recognize that these are gendered behaviors that mainstream society has somehow labeled as typical and okay, but once you start to see it, it’s hard to unsee. Set your standards high and remember that if he makes you unhappy, you’re allowed to leave!* It’s so much better to be alone than to break yourself down for somebody who doesn’t see and value you as you truly are.
(*I realize that in more abusive relationships, it’s not as easy as “just leave”.)
queerlybeloveds 