My emotions are valid*
*valid does not mean healthy, or good, or to be privileged above common sense and kindness
A distinction for anyone who is young and hasn’t figured this out yet:
You are allowed to have whatever emotions you want. No one can control your emotions. Emotions are healthy responses to things.
You are not allowed to have behaviors that are harmful just because you have certain emotions. Your behaviors are what you can control, and they are far easier to control than your emotions.
You can be jealous about someone or their talents until you turn green, but it is harmful to yourself and to that person if you try to sabotage them because of it. You can be so angry you can literally feel your temperature rise, but this does not give you permission to rage at others.
Your emotions are valid. They are always valid. You are a person of value. However, you behaviors are not always justified just because of those emotions. You may not be able to control you emotions, but you can certainly control your behaviors.
“You may not be able to control your emotions, but you can certainly control your behaviors.”
In CoDA (Codependents Anonymous), I learned a way of thinking about this that made a lot of sense to me.
Let’s say someone does something that upsets you. On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the most upset, you’re feeling at about a 9.
However, when you look objectively at the situation, that person didn’t do anything to intentionally upset you. They didn’t cross boundaries. On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being something truly heinous, what just happened was a 2.
You are entitled to your 9, but that other person is entitled to their 2. Your feelings are valid and you should give them the legitimacy and attention they deserve, but taking those feelings out on a person who did nothing objectively wrong is abusive and unfair.
queerlybeloveds 