Here we are. 11 PM on August 17th once again. 24 is on its way out.
Looking back at my post for 23 really throws this past year into contrast. 24 was hard. It was struggle and deep, deep emotional excavation.
The biggest thing was my breakdown in late 2017 and early 2018. I was living somewhere that made me miserable and grinding in my hardest year of school yet while feeling beyond burnt out. I was having daily panic attacks, shaking and crying, heart racing, not sleeping for a full night for weeks at a time. It was untenable. But I got help. I started taking Lexapro, and it’s helped me so goddamn much.
The anxiety is still bad, though. I’ve had to completely rearrange my social structure and daily schedule to account for how tired my anxiety makes me. I have nothing left to give. I’ve learned who can stick with me and who can’t. I’ve reevaluated what I need to do to keep MYSELF happy, and I’ve made that priority number one, and I’m proud of myself for loving myself enough to do that work and make those adjustments. For years, I’ve been aware of my shaky inner compass. I never trusted myself to make my own judgments. I saw that in myself and didn’t know how to fix it. This year’s deep, terrifying, difficult introspection has strapped down that compass in a way I’ve never felt before. I trust myself.
Through all that struggle, some great things happened this year too. I was hired on to the Lovestruck team, which is a job that I love so much and have met so many awesome people through. I celebrated six years with my boy and finally, FINALLY moved in with him. This is the first time in my entire life that my home is a place I feel completely safe in, and that has brought me an unparalelled sense of security and comfort. I went to Ireland for the first time with my darling Em. I started my largest independent writing project since high school with an incredible friend and writing partner. I got into Naruto and The Captive Prince series and Six of Crows. I got my floral half sleeve, which is a piece I absolutely adore that makes me happy every time I look at it. I started collecting pins. I’ve continued to work with my amazing therapist every other week. I bathed in a glacial mountain lake. I left my shitty serving job. I received the departmental award for “Beyond The GPA” from two of my professors, an award for students who have a high GPA but also actively make their classroom a better place. I got into my credential program.
23 was easy. 24 was backbreaking. I’m hoping that 25 is somewhere in the middle. I need a rest from the grind of the past year, but I know that my last year of grad school and being spit out into the real world probably won’t be a walk in the park.
I am ready for a fresh start as a stronger individual. In 25, I put myself first. Unapologetically and without judgment.
queerlybeloveds 