twilight au but edward gets more outlandish in his attempts to make bella not like him like he asks her what her feelings on trenchcoats are and when she says i don’t know they’re pretty unsettling in certain contexts he just shows up the next day in the longest biggest trenchcoat a man can own and tells bella he has 79 cockroaches in his pockets but she’ll never know which pockets and that’s just a mystery she’ll have to live with
um, excuse me, but my son obliterated this baby toilet with his powerful piss. i mean, it folds shut and makes fun noises, which is good, but my small boy pissed it in half like a water jet cutter, which is bad. in light of this, i rate this potty two stars. my childs industrial jetstream urine blast, however? fives across the board.
i dredged the piss out of the smoking wreckage of this potty and spun it to sell to assassins as garrotte wire.
i had to teach him not to piss in the ocean after his tinkle sandblasted the mariana trench open. my son pisses the sun out every night and only by the grace of god does it reignite in the morning. my friends, truly
I’ve been working on this for months and the truth is I could continue to add to it forever but I want you all to enjoy it with me
transcript:
Griffin: [as Jenkins] A witch kissed me and cursed me so that anytime anybody yells a secret word, I have to attend to their every need, and that word is my fucking name, Jenkins. Justin: [snickering]
G: Are you naming your goddamn wizard Taako?
G: Oh- shit. Oh, god, oh, god, where’d it go, oh no, no, no!
G: If possible, I would love to- to avoid a shitting-based solution? Uh, A, because I don’t want to know what exists beyond the explicit tag in iTunes? [Justin laughs] I don’t- like, is there a fucking NC-17 rating? I don’t wanna- I don’t think I wanna be a part of that. But also- Justin: [crosstalk] Hey! G: I would also not like this scene to drag on out as long as- as a human being’s digestive cycle.
G: [background laughter] Fun show, fun show games!
G: And I think I just described a plant orgasm. And this has been Fifty Shades of Green [Clint laughs], starring four idiots.
G: So the end of that sentence that you cut off was- and I- so I won’t be able to put up with any shit today, but the problem is I already have? Now people will stop tweeting about me that I said one of Barry’s favorite things is swimming in a cold lake on a hot day, and then in two episodes later say he didn’t know how to swim.
G: ‘Kay, you and the box both drink POISON! And you survive, but the box has died. Clint: That means it’s open, right? G: Yes, with that the box pops open and it has 900 gold pieces inside. Everyone: Yeah! [cheering]
Travis: I get it. Justin: Damn, that’s a good door! G: No, it’s- [yelling] let me finish describing what happened to the door! I’ve been trying to tell you what happened to the door for like ten minutes!
Travis: I tap it with the Glutton’s Fork and I swallow it. Justin: [muffled wheezing] Griffin: What the fuck!
Griffin: [laugh-crying] You’re gonna turn him into a man tube? [wheezing] You- you’re gonna turn him into a bag or a shelf with the rock sitting on it-
Griffin, loudly: What the fuck?! [audience laughter] Travis: Double damage is- 4 and 3 plus 4 and 1. Griffin: I didn’t give Marvey HP!
Griffin: Is the stapler in here? Anyone want the fucking stapler?
Griffin: Oh, Jesus, you love this shit! [Travis, crosstalk: I’m sorry-] It’s your- You’re a fucking pervert! Fetish- you’re exposing everybody to your fetishes! Travis: I’m so sorry!
Griffin: Uh- it is an uneventful climb to the twentieth floor. And, uh- as- Travis: Floor twenty! Griffin: as- as- What? Justin and Travis: [snickering] Floor twenty! Griffin: [pause] We’re not gonna say anything better than that- Travis: Griffin, we have to fight some weeds at floor twenty. Griffin: We have thirty minutes to go, and we’re not gonna say anything better than that. Did you even think about that?
Justin: I grow bored with this fight. [laughter] Griffin: Okay. [crosstalk] Justin: I’m- I’m casting polymorph on myself- Griffin: Oh, fucking- wow. Justin: Griffin, I’m texting you- [Griffin: oh]because you’re going to need this information. Griffin: Oh my god, Justin. Justin: Yes. [Wonderland music starts] Griffin: Taako’s arms sink into his chest, so that he’s just got, sort of, little arms, and his head gets really big, and really long, [Clint laughs] and his teeth get very sharp, and he grows a tail, and he turns into a tyrannosaurus rex.
Griffin: [yelling] Oh, NO! Are you keeping track of how many times you rolled as well? Clint: [crosstalk] To be honest the educational system in Huntington, West Virginia sucks- Travis: Twenty-five! Twenty-five! Four, four! Twenty-five! Twenty-seven! [overlapped with Justin] Griffin: it’s dead- STOP! Stop! You’re killing him! Travis and Justin: Thirty! Thirty-six! Griffin: Stop! He’s already dead! Travis: One more, one more, one more- [Clint: C’MON!] Travis and Justin: Thirty-seven! [A pause as the audience laughs] Travis: His parents feel it! Griffin: You fucking- you fucking- this turtle’s- this turtle’s parents- Travis: [crosstalk] Is that where the turtle’s brother dies? Griffin: -forget about him. This turtle was a successful turtle author, and the words on his books fucking vanish. [audience laughter] You have erased this turtle from existence.
Travis: But my butt- Griffin: [yelling] Come on, I’m in hell! [crosstalk] I’m dead and in hell now! You opened the door! You built the fucking door! Out of wood! Shitwood! Shame on you and shame on us!
Justin, as Taako: Garfield? Griffin, as Garfield: Yes? Justin: I have something I think is really going to interest you. Griffin: [yelling out of character] OH MY GOD! Justin: This is the Slicer of T’pire Weir Isles [background laughter] and I notice that you have a really cool sword. It’s a Flaming, Poisoning, Raging Sword of Doom, I believe it’s called. Griffin: Oh my god… Justin: And- I’m looking at your entire stock and it does seem to me that’s your most valuable posession, would you say that’s accurate? Griffin: [laughter, as Garfield] Yes, it’s absolutely the most valuable thing in the store!
Griffin: [very tired] I didn’t expect it to go like that. [audience laughter] Um- and- Travis: What did you expect to happen? Griffin: [yelling] For you to catch a fucking fish in my fish mini game! [audiene cheers] Is that so- Am I out of my mind? Is that an unreasonable expectation? To give them a fucking fish mini game- Taako makes the lake float, Travis jumps in with a rapier, like, “let’s get it done!” and Dad makes, the- the fucking shit teleport away! [audience laughter] Clint: Welcome- welcome to The Adventure Zone, Griffin.
I feel like the reason there aren’t any ‘Jewish hero fights the Fair Folk’ stories is because we’d easily get out of that situation.
Like, put Hershel of Ostropol in any situation involving the Fair Folk and bro would talk his way out.
This is why I’m not really scared of paranormal beasties. But yes, I’d enjoy reading this happen.
Names have power? Give them your secular name and not your Hebrew one.
If you eat their food you’re trapped? It’s not kosher anyways.
They speak in riddles? What, and you didn’t grow up answering a question with a question?
Confuse the Fair Folk with impossible halachic questions: if a man falls off a roof and onto a woman and as a result she becomes pregnant, is he obligated to marry her and is the child a mamzer? If meat is grown in a laboratory from a mix of various animal cells is it kosher, and is it even meat, and what bracha would you even say on it? Is a unicorn permitted to cleanse a poisoned stream on Shabbat using the innate purifying powers of its horn or does it count as work? Can it be justified as pikuach nefesh? Can necromancy be justified as pikuach nefesh, if one approaches necromancy with the understanding that it is just delayed medical assistance?
And if all else fails, you can always get out a fleischig pan, kick ass and take names, and don’t forget to say the blessing for fucking someone’s day up:
So I had the strangest dream this weekend and nobody understands me so I need to share it with you because you might. Press J to skip this post if you can’t deal, I will accept this.
In my dream I was standing on the back deck of a rural cabin that overlooked a beautiful Vermont/Scottish Highlands landscape of unspoiled wilderness. It was a crisp, perfect autumn morning. I held a cup of cooling coffee in my hands as I leaned against the railing and scanned the perfect rolling hills in the midground, behind which the great patterned mountains with their snowcaps marched on until they blended with the horizon: #aesthetic
As I gazed at a distant meadow clearing in the trees, a pair of brightly coloured humanoid creatures emerged from the woods and began to dance for each other. It was an esoteric, beautiful mating dance, a strange combination of instinct and choreography. I felt awe washing over me. I marvelled. I felt a deep sense of wonder and peace as I observed this vanishingly rare encounter that I had never thought to observe in person. These animals were instantly recognisable but had never been studied in the wild. I felt incredibly humbled and privileged to witness this behaviour – I knew that I was the first human witness to observe this behaviour – and I reached for my phone, wondering if I should film it, so it could join the scholarly record, where it NEEDED to be. This could change everything. But then I held back – something told me “no,” to let the creatures have their privacy.
Ok, I can’t go any further without telling you that they were Teletubbies.
A red one and a yellow one. I know. I know. Stay with me here.
The cryptids melted back into the woods. My subconscious drew a discreet veil over the rest of their mating ritual, but I knew instinctively that this had been a dance of courtship. I was busy pondering the implications, because they were critical. You see, although the creatures were instantly recognisable as Teletubbies, as I had studied them, even at a distance, I had an incredible realisation.
They were adult Teletubbies.
This realisation dawned on me and in my dream I understood it fully. The ones that we know of – the captive ones that we have seen on television – are juveniles. In fact, they are the equivalent of toddlers. When you see the adults this becomes obvious. The garbled speech and silly movements of the four captive Teletubbies we know are the babbles of babyhood, a private primal toddler-language brewed up between sentient beings who have never encountered an adult of their own kind.
The adult Teletubbies have more branching, complex antlers and shaggy coats. They are less brightly coloured. They are terrifyingly large. Their strangely human faces, emerging from the thick fur, are unquestionably adult; remote, serene, reproachful. Their television screens are glitchy, esoteric and unknowable. They are cryptids whose public exploitation has undermined their rarity and their strange, alien dignity.
In my dream my feelings of awe and peace turned to great sadness at the fate of the captive toddler Teletubbies. I realised that I had to be the scientist who brought this discovery to the world and raised awareness of their plight. And I also questioned: are Teletubbies like axolotls? Do they exhibit neoteny? (Axolotls, the cute aquarium pets with flaring gills, are actually juveniles of an amphibious species – if given the right conditions they’ll grow up into land-dwelling black newts. But they can breed in their aquatic juvenile form, and most spend their whole lives in this form. Deprived of their wild potential, will the Teletubbies ever mature? Or are they merely experiencing a long childhood, natural for a species that is unimaginably long-lived?)
So in my dream my husband came out onto the back deck and I began to share these discoveries with him and before I could even bring up the axolotls he just said “what the fucking fuck” and went away again.
I woke up disgruntled and unable to capture the feeling of peace and sadness. I then tried to explain this to my husband in the waking world, and he said “what the fucking fuck” and walked away before I even got to the explanation of the Teletubbies being toddlers, which just goes to show that you never know someone as well as you think you do.
Anyway I’m sure you guys will join me in this knowledge. And also I’ve googled it and apparently the Teletubbies reboot features infant Teletubbies, so clearly they are getting more from somewhere and the time to question this is NOW
I have a personal theory that how a dream makes you feel is more meaningful than the content.
What I got from your dream was a sense of wonder and privilege (the good kind), followed by the need to bear witness and advocate for the cryptids. Topped off with a disturbingly accurate example of the attitudes you’d face.
(staring nobly into the distance) yes. yes, you understand. you understand.
I’m so sorry but this is what came to mind and so this is what I drew
Holy
Thank you so much for sharing that dream, it was EXACTLY what I needed to stop feeling like shit. Now I, too, am honored by the knowledge of adult teletubbies.
Here’s my take on this lovely cryptid.
WHOA I’m sorry I missed this. this is magnificent. the feet and hands are really spooky. it definitely fills me with the Fear.
ok but the peak of all comedy will always be that video of the broken singing trout that makes unholy noises but always goes right back to normal for the cheery chorus
queerlybeloveds 