no. they are dead and scary not in a hot way. yes even the two at the end. 0/10
any of the kaiju from pacific rim
they are big rowdy boys so banging them is inadvisable, but, really, how much do we actually know about them? they could learn to love. 1/10
The Pale Man
absolutely not. eats kids and represents the selfish greed of those in power. -1000000000000/10
The Faun
shifty as heck, always speaking in riddles and half truths. i don’t trust him but i’d bang him. 4/10
(this is where we start getting into creatures that we know are equipped to have sex)
Hellboy
he’s immature, for sure, but he has a good heart and loves kittens. Plus he’s got a rockin bod and a tail, so i’m not sure what else you could want in a bf. 8/10
Abe Sapien
i love this sweet sweet nerdy fish boy. he’s a bit shy and maybe has some boundary issues but all in all he’s a good boy. 9/10
The Gillman (AKA The Asset)
what is there to say about this beautiful boy that hasn’t already been said? he’s sweet, kind, sensual, and has a booty that just won’t quit. when will he steal me away to the Amazon to live forever in his strong arms. 10/10
I feel like the reason there aren’t any ‘Jewish hero fights the Fair Folk’ stories is because we’d easily get out of that situation.
Like, put Hershel of Ostropol in any situation involving the Fair Folk and bro would talk his way out.
This is why I’m not really scared of paranormal beasties. But yes, I’d enjoy reading this happen.
Names have power? Give them your secular name and not your Hebrew one.
If you eat their food you’re trapped? It’s not kosher anyways.
They speak in riddles? What, and you didn’t grow up answering a question with a question?
Confuse the Fair Folk with impossible halachic questions: if a man falls off a roof and onto a woman and as a result she becomes pregnant, is he obligated to marry her and is the child a mamzer? If meat is grown in a laboratory from a mix of various animal cells is it kosher, and is it even meat, and what bracha would you even say on it? Is a unicorn permitted to cleanse a poisoned stream on Shabbat using the innate purifying powers of its horn or does it count as work? Can it be justified as pikuach nefesh? Can necromancy be justified as pikuach nefesh, if one approaches necromancy with the understanding that it is just delayed medical assistance?
And if all else fails, you can always get out a fleischig pan, kick ass and take names, and don’t forget to say the blessing for fucking someone’s day up:
Possibly the most horrifying thing that has ever happened to me occurred today. So I’m in a creative writing class at university right now and we had to print out twenty-five copies of our first, one page assignment to distribute to the class. I had to print mine at the computer lab as I don’t have a printer, but here are the three crucial facts that made this the worst mistake of my life.
1. Sometimes, when you log into Google on Chrome, it activates all of your extensions, even ones you’ve deactivated.
2. In high school, my friends and I got really into Ponify (a words replacing chrome extension) and switched the preferences so we could read political articles and have congress get into a “rousing snow ball fight” and the like.
3. Ponify reverted to its original My Little Pony lingo when opened on a new computer’s chrome.
So when I distributed my twenty-five copies of this I noticed the word “everypony”, my heart seized up and dropped into my stomach, and with my imminent death approaching, I began furiously correcting all twenty-five of them. My teacher, confusedly, agreed to let me correct them as I was too infuriated and ashamed to say my mistake aloud.
I just realized, however, that the line “as she watched the binding fall away in her hand” was changed to “as she watched the binding fall away in her hoof”.
And I just had to send this email:
And basically I’m ready for death how was your day
queerlybeloveds 